Today I thought I would dive a little deeper than normal and share my thoughts about supporting a woman undergoing infertility treatments. When your friend/ sister/ neighbor/ co worker shares with you her battle with infertility, she is confiding in your deepest sense of confidence and support. She has/ or will endure stress emotionally, physically and financially. Yours words, while their intent is uplifting, can crush her. I am sharing the phrases to never say to your infertile friend, that unfortunately we hear all the time.
“I’m sure if you just relax and stop trying, it will happen” I hear this ALL the time and it is by far the most annoying and ignorant thing you can say to someone who struggles with infertility. Waiting will not cure her endometriosis, increase her husband’s sperm count, make her ovulate, etc. This is not an issue of patience, and she is spending each day waiting, telling her to wait longer will only upset her.
“Everything happens for a reason” This statement just makes me angry. Are you telling me I caused the infertility my husband and I suffer from? Or that I was purposefully made ill? What reason does anyone have for suffering infertility? Do not say this!!! It is not my destiny to be infertile, so don’t make it sound that way.
“I know how you feel, it took us 4 months to get pregnant” Nope, you don’t know how I feel. Not even close. How many injections have you administered? How many doctors have you visited? How many negative tests have you looked at? How many surgeries have you endured? How many thousands of dollars have you paid? Our situations are not equal and you are currently demeaning mine.
“Maybe you aren’t ready to be a mother. God needs more time to work on you” Me: you insensitive bitch!!! Then why are people addicted to drugs popping out babies left and right? Very inappropriate. I can’t imagine how women who have spouses with male factor infertility relate to this.
“This is God’s plan for you”. My God has plans to prosper me, not plans to harm me. This sickness is because we live in a fallen world, not because God has deemed me to suffer.
“You could just adopt” If I wanted to adopt then I would. Also, adoption is expensive ($30k plus). Many couples can hardly afford fertility treatment so could not possibly afford adoption. Again…ignorance.
If you are supporting a woman struggling with infertility, the best course of action is to say nothing at all. Often she wants you to listen, pray for her healing, or sit with her as she cries. While words are said with the best of intentions, they tear apart our soul one piece at a time and I’ve learned very quickly, everyone has an input and opinion or words of advice for how they conceived. What she needs is someone to be vulnerable with and encourage her to persevere and move forward. She is looking for you, her trusted friend to supplement her strength when she is weak and nothing more. Your support means more to her then she can tell you!
Because posts are not complete without photos…here is a glimpse into her week!