BETA day

9  very long days ago we transferred 1 of our 9 embryos which made it to 5 day blasts.  We were fortunate enought to have 8 good to excellent quality embryos sent to the freezer, as we opted to do a selective single embryo transfer, as instructed by our fertility doctor.

Today, feels like it could drag on forever.  I had my blood drawn at 7am and we are waiting for the results, but I already know in the depths of my heart our transfer was unsuccessful.  It is so strange to feel such an immense attachment to this little being, and while not ever being pregnant, I still feel this overwhelming sense of loss.  It is just a deep emptiness, almost a numbness.

I have already begun my grieving process and have started to turn the corner from anger to acceptance, however what seems most painful is watching your partner grieve.  We grieve and heal so differently and at different paces, but this is the most heartbreaking feeling where no words can give it justice.

So, we will pick up the pieces of our hearts and muster the strength to move forward. One day at a time and continue to stand in hope and believe in faith!

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Infertility

Today I thought I would dive a little deeper than normal and share my thoughts about supporting a woman undergoing infertility treatments.  When your friend/ sister/ neighbor/ co worker shares with you her battle with infertility, she is confiding in your deepest sense of confidence and support.  She has/ or will endure stress emotionally, physically and financially.  Yours words, while their intent is uplifting, can crush her.  I am sharing the phrases to never say to your infertile friend, that unfortunately we hear all the time.

“I’m sure if you just relax and stop trying, it will happen” I hear this ALL the time and it is by far the most annoying and ignorant thing you can say to someone who struggles with infertility.  Waiting will not cure her endometriosis, increase her husband’s sperm count, make her ovulate, etc.  This is not an issue of patience, and she is spending each day waiting, telling her to wait longer will only upset her.

“Everything happens for a reason” This statement just makes me angry.  Are you telling me I caused the infertility my husband and I suffer from? Or that I was purposefully made ill?  What reason does anyone have for suffering infertility?  Do not say this!!! It is not my destiny to be infertile, so don’t make it sound that way.

“I know how you feel, it took us 4 months to get pregnant” Nope, you don’t know how I feel.  Not even close.  How many injections have you administered?  How many doctors have you visited? How many negative tests have you looked at? How many surgeries have you endured?  How many thousands of dollars have you paid?  Our situations are not equal and you are currently demeaning mine.

“Maybe you aren’t ready to be a mother.  God needs more time to work on you” Me: you insensitive bitch!!! Then why are people addicted to drugs popping out babies left and right?  Very inappropriate.  I can’t imagine how women who have spouses with male factor infertility relate to this.

“This is God’s plan for you”. My God has plans to prosper me, not plans to harm me.   This sickness is because we live in a fallen world, not because God has deemed me to suffer.

“You could just adopt” If I wanted to adopt then I would.  Also, adoption is expensive ($30k plus).  Many couples can hardly afford fertility treatment so could not possibly afford adoption.  Again…ignorance.

If you are supporting a woman struggling with infertility, the best course of action is to say nothing at all. Often she wants you to listen, pray for her healing, or sit with her as she cries.  While words are said with the best of intentions, they tear apart our soul one piece at a time and I’ve learned very quickly, everyone has an input and opinion or words of advice for how they conceived. What she needs is someone to be vulnerable with and encourage her to persevere and move forward.  She is looking for you, her trusted friend to supplement her strength when she is weak and nothing more. Your support means more to her then she can tell you!

Because posts are not complete without photos…here is a glimpse into her week!

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Mock Up

Today was our first visit with our fertility doctor since starting our IVF cycle, and was quite a bit to take in.  We had some basic injection training and timelines given to us.  They measured my follicles (future eggs) and lining and then we had our mock embryo transfer.  It was so cool and really encouraging to see it happen in real time on the screen, but was also uncomfortable.  Luckily come real transfer day, I’ll be high as a kite!

Also, be warned the ET process requires a full bladder and I literally felt like I was going to pee on our doctor which was the worst part!!!

We start our lupron injections tomorrow. I am totally nervous and beyond excited.  It feels so real that in 5 weeks we may be pregnant!

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In the words of our ever so serious RE…let’s make some babies!